Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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