Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
