Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
