I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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