Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
