I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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