There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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