somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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