Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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