New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
