and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
