I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
