why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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