At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
