peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
