you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
