Plan B is the new Plan A
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
