you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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