When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
