i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
