Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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