After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize