is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
