White coat. Heels.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
