It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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