do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
All I want is dick and wine.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
