I think I died a long time ago.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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