It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dear god my vagina.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
