I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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