About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
