those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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