i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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