Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
