Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
