dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
