I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
