How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
