party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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