I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
