Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
