Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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