all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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