Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
