why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Do you remember whose house we're in?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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