you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
