So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
