hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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