we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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