Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I want to be your penis for a week.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
