Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
