I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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