Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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