it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
