the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
