Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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