Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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