everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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